“Torpe”
One of the most common complaints I hear from girls here is that guys are always too torpe. Torpe is Filipino slang for a guy who is too scared to court a girl, too ignorant to realize the girl actually does like him back or just too awkward to do anything about his affection towards this girl.
It’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow, so I thought now would be the best time to show my view on things as well as try to give you a clearer understanding of what the opposite gender might be going through in the process. Hopefully, I don’t bore you guys, because this post is going to be a long one!
Guys
Firstly, let’s look at this from a guy’s perspective. Boys are the ones who court. Girls are the ones who are courted. This is the way society expects us to act. Imagine how hard it is to be given that burden, having to be the one to confront the girl, buy her gifts and try to make her like him back. After doing all that, he still wouldn’t have that guarantee of getting the girl in the end. If I was a guy and I had to do that, I’m sure I’d be scared shitless. The fear of failure and rejection – I’m sure that would be too much for me to handle.
Girls
It is a well-known fact that girls are naturally insecure. We look at every joke, every look, every comment, and look at it as an insult. Not being courted, especially when it seems like everyone else is, is such a huge self-esteem killer. This may seem irrational, but, it’s actually pretty hard for most of us to feel pretty without others’ recognition.
We also tend to over-analyze things, so you can just imagine how frustrating mixed signals are for us. We can be so happy one day, thinking a guy probably likes us back just because of the tiniest compliments, and sad the next, feeling neglected because of a 20 minute late reply. We get discouraged easily, so it gets a bit irritating to deal with guys who may or may not like us, especially if he’s a guy that we like or are starting to like.
My Opinion
I think that, if you’re a guy, and you really like a girl, I can only think of 3 rational reasons for you not to do something about it:
- At least one of you isn’t ready for that kind of commitment.
- At least one of you is already in relationships with another person.
- You’re certain that it’s not going to work out.
When I say “certain”, I really mean it. You shouldn’t stop yourself from doing something for this girl just because you think that the relationship’s not going to work out. Most likely, that’s just your insecurities talking. Stop thinking about the rejection and instead think of what you could be if things happen in your favor.
Let’s say, worst case scenario, she does reject you. You’ll be heartbroken, but that’s not going to last. You’re going to know right then and there that it would’ve never worked out, instead of wasting a significant amount of your life on a girl that wasn’t meant for you anyway. You should realize that, one day, all of this isn’t going to matter. You’ll find a girl, and she’s going to make you so happy that you can’t help but just be thankful for all the pain you’ve gone through, knowing that all of it led you to her.
If you try to do something about her, you’re gonna either get into a relationship with her, or get rejected. If you don’t do anything, nothing’s going to happen. You’ll lose that chance, the chance to have something that could’ve made you extremely happy, something that would’ve made all the bad things in your life insignificant. If you really do like this girl, she should be worth the risk of heartbreak. If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen.
Happy Valentine’s Day / Single Awareness Day everyone! I hope you all have a good day tomorrow, regardless of whether or not you have a Valentine this year. :)
Funny bit of slang. Not funny to be called that though! :( I feel like guys really do have a bit of a burden when modern society (and heck, it’s been like this since forever, so we might as well be in the 1800s) expects them to ‘make the move’ on a girl. I would feel such pressure if I were a guy and had a crush on a girl.
I think many people fear rejection. Once I put myself in the boy’s shoes, and instead, I told a guy I liked him. It worked out alright for some time. Another time, I was rejected but that was okay. At least I knew that it was time to move on.
Some guys are really different and not “torpe” at all. They sometimes keep trying to get a girl the more she says no. This happened to my best friend and it actually got a little irritating.
I don’t think guys should have to make all the moves, but I believe that if they have feelings for a girl they should act on it instead of watching from a distance. One of my friends liked me for many years before I actually found out from one of his friends. I obviously realised all the pain he went through but he paid the price for sitting back and watching, when I admitted that I did not like him in that way at all. :/
To me, life’s short… sometimes it doesn’t hurt to ask when it comes to things like this.
Comment by Georgina • February 14, 2011 • 8:00 pm
I know I was born in Canada, but I do have a lot of friends that were born in the Pilippines. In all my 18 years, I’ve never heard the word torpe before. However, I can see where you are coming from. Sometimes I think that filipinos put this mentality on themselves. Especially with the media and entertainment that circulates.
My mom’s friend would always ask me, “do you have a boyfriend yet?” at every social gathering. I was only 12 and this continued on for several years. I would always reply with the “No, not yet Tita. I don’t need one” thing, but she never stopped asking. When I finally got one, she congratulated me and told me it was about time. I was just 16 and she expected me to have one 4 years ago. D;
I find guys are also peer pressured a lot to tell a girl that he likes her. And I thought girls were the only ones who would tell friends about their crushes. x) I believe that it was one of my boyfriend’s friends who blatantly told me that he had a crush on me. In a way, it must have been easier for him knowing that I know he liked me.
Whether you’re a girl or guy, building up courage takes time.Truthfully, I don’t remember having any crushes or sharing those details with my friends. I still applaud those who were brave enough to take the chance!
I agree with your last comment. Asking won’t hurt, but if you don’t ask, you’ll never get a response.
Comment by Trella • February 22, 2011 • 6:32 am
If a girl likes a guy then she should ask him out or at least let her feelings be known. Women are wanting equal rights to men, but then believe that certain acts like “courting” is a man’s job. If that was said about being an electrician or a doctor then that would be sexist.
My boyfriend asked me out, but a month previous I had told him that I fancied him. A relationship is about give and take, therefore courting should be too.
Comment by Jane • February 23, 2011 • 7:36 am
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