I’m not even trying to change, but it’s happening so much, so fast.

For the most part, it’s a good thing. It’s just a bit confusing, since a lot of the things I thought kind of defined me before are starting to fade away.

I always just automatically considered myself to be a shy person, and I still kind of do. There were only certain people I ever really talked to. I had a pretty awkward relationship with the other 99% of people I knew.

The thought of interacting with strangers still scares me; I do realize the irony of saying that online, when majority of the people who are reading this are strangers anyway, but real life is different. Making an order at a restaurant, asking questions at a store, and even ordering pizza through the phone, put me into this state of panic. I hear my thoughts screaming to me, “Abort mission! Abort mission!”, and, most of the time, I follow. I force someone else to do it for me, or just don’t do it at all, effectively starving me or costing me a good opportunity in the process.

Pretty pathetic, I know.

My situation with strangers is improving though, but only barely.

So what’s the big difference?

Well, before, I actually considered a lot of people to be strangers to me – classmates, relatives, acquaintances – I treated them all like strangers. So when faced with the possibility of social interaction with any of these “strangers”, I go into panic mode again, and I either silence myself or just leave, if I can.

It used to take a lot to get out of that “stranger” bubble – like you had to be my best friend or a member of my family for me to be talkative around you.

My stranger bubble has shrunk though; I don’t treat a lot of these people like strangers anymore. I treat them like friends, so I find myself being talkative around a lot more people now a lot more often than I did before.

The past few months, people have been saying things about me that I never thought anyone would. People I’ve known for a long time are saying things like, “Aren’t you supposed to be quiet?”, and “You’re so noisy pala!” Even people I’ve only met recently are asking, “Is she always like this? Is she really this happy and talkative all the time?”

It’s weird, but it’s great.

I used to be the “emotionless” girl. The quiet girl. The awkward girl.

But now, apparently, I’m talkative, happy and noisy.

I even have a few friends now that are telling me that they used to look at me in a certain way, and that they were pleasantly surprised to find out that I wasn’t actually a snob, that I wasn’t actually anti-social, or that I wasn’t actual scary (and yes, a friend of mine did tell me that he thought I was scary before).

When I think about it though, from the outside looking in, I probably would’ve appeared to be all of those things, because I probably was – the keyword being, “was”.

I also wasn’t able to continue a sort of blogging series I’d only just started at the time, “Introducing Myself”.

Since I don’t really talk about myself in detail all that much on this blog, I figured it would be a great way for you to know me better, and, honestly, also a great way for me to always have something to blog about since I always seem to be running out of ideas.

I already posted the first part of the series a few months ago, mainly about myself in general. You can read “1. Introducing Myself” by clicking the link if you’re interested.

But today, I’m talking about my family. My family is composed of 5 people – my mom, my dad, my twin brother, my little brother, and me. You already know me, so it’s about time I introduced you to the rest of my family!

My Mom

My mom is my best friend. Two years ago, I probably would’ve said the opposite, or more likely nothing at all, of my mother, but right now that’s the truth. I don’t make kwento to many people. Even my best friends know close to nothing about my love life, my family life, and my personal life in general. All my happiness, sadness, anger – I share it with my mom. I’m so lucky to have such an amazing relationship with her, and I just love her to death.

My Dad

I’ve written a mother’s day letter to my mom, I’ve talked about having a twin brother, and I’ve mentioned my little brother more times than my fingers could count. I’ve written over and over again about my family, though my blog contains little love for my father. Which is too bad, because, honestly, he is an amazing person.

He’s one of those dorky dads. He loves telling lame jokes, and he loves laughing at lame jokes when nobody else does (which is usually the case). He likes messing with us over and over again, even until way after it stopped being funny. He’s awesome.

More than just a nerd though, he is an amazing father. If I could just say one thing about my dad, it would be that he loves his family. He works hard, and of course he also has his hobbies, but you can just tell that his family will always be his first priority.

My Twin Brother

I did mention a couple of times before that I have a twin brother. He looks nothing like me, by the way, for those who might ask.

I don’t really remember any time in my life when I’d hugged him, so, from the outside, it may not seem like we’re close, but we’re actually extremely close. It’s just not the obvious kind of close.

We’ve always talked, though I feel like recently, we’ve been talking about more personal things than we’ve ever talked about before. I’m glad we’re able to talk about those kinds of things with each other now. I feel like I know him so much better now – that says a lot, considering that I already knew him pretty well before.

My Little Brother

Lukie. Lucas. Luke. Probably the only non-famous name I’ve ever mentioned on this blog besides my own.

Lukie is adorable, something you would expect me to say about a 6-year-old. There is a 10 year gap between Lukie and I (and, of course, my twin brother). Because of this, I think he will always be a “little” brother to me; there’s no doubt we will be baby-ing him forever, probably even when he’s already a teenager. I don’t like to think about him growing up though!

Though I spent most of my life without him, it feels strange trying to imagine ever being in a family with just 4 people in it. It feels like he’s just always been there, like I never had a life without his constant hugging and unending chatter.

Honestly, I could talk about my family for hours, but by then I’d probably bore you if I haven’t already.

I love my family. I feel so blessed and lucky to have them in my life.

I’m sure most of you at least noticed that a new layout has been up for a few days. Though only a few from you probably know that this isn’t actually a new layout.

This is Denimized (yes, I’m terrible with names), the second layout I ever had up on Clar.me – one of my favorites.

And why am I using an old layout? There are actually a few reasons…

1. I was getting sick of my last layout already.
2. I couldn’t seem to make a decent new layout.
3. This layout gave me a sense of nostalgia.

Seeing this layout brings me back to a time when I was so passionate about web design. I still love web design, but I haven’t been doing a lot of it lately, and, honestly, I really miss that time before when I’d find myself working on two or three layouts a week, simply because I wanted to. I miss that, and I love that this layout makes me feel a bit of that former passion again.

It’s like I’ve been addicted to nostalgia lately.

A couple of weeks ago, I started playing Fire Emblem on the GBA emulator I had on my computer, a game my brother and I used to play so much when we were in grade school. I continued playing for around a week, which doesn’t sound too long, but you didn’t see me. It was like basically my life.

My boyfriend actually a newer version of Fire Emblem (Sacred Stone) on his DS (even though it’s a Gameboy game), and offered me a save slot, and it took so much out of me to say no. I don’t let myself play video games when he’s around because I tend to get kind of oblivious of my surroundings when I play. I don’t want to be that way around him!

There was also a time even earlier this summer, maybe at the beginning of April, when I’d restarted Final Fantasy XII, and it was actually worse than it was with Fire Emblem.

I used to play DotA and had been meaning to reinstall it and try playing again this summer, just for nostalgia’s sake, but I’m so afraid of what’ll become of me if I do!

My nostalgia comes in many different forms – not just in the form of video games, but also in the form of music. A lot of people laugh at me when I tell them that I used to be this huge Paramore fan – apparently, I’m not the type at all. Though my interest in the band has declined over the past couple of years, recently, I’ve been finding myself listening to their music again.

Also, I’ve been rewatching Friends from the very beginning. It’s not like the T.V. show was ever a particularly big part of my life, but, for some reason, the other day, just out of nowhere, I felt like watching. So I did.

This obsession with nostalgia probably started last December, when my boyfriend gave me the first Pokemon movie on a DVD. We watched it together, the first time I’d watched it in maybe 8 years. And I cried. I really did. Sounds kind of pathetic, I know, but you could see Ash there, motionless as a stone, and Pikachu, desperately trying to revive him, and you just well up inside, even when you know that kids movies always have to end well.

Nostalgia. It’s so crazy and wonderful. It’s not like I’m not happy with my life now, but looking back at times before when I was so happy and passionate makes me feel so excited, like I’m opening Clar.me for the first time, like I’m still in grade school, like I’m back in that Pokemon-obsessed phase (well, more Pokemon-obsessed than now at least). It’s nice to know that I have past-me around to cheer me up.

Image by yours truly

Our family loves Star Wars.

We own Star Wars movies.

We own Star Wars books.

We own Star Wars toys.

And of course we have lightsabers.

My brother and I have played every Star Wars game we could find.

My brother made a Jango Fett costume out of cardboard and paint.

My default costume is always “Jedi”.

My mother used to have a crush on Luke Skywalker.

My father…well, he’s watched the movies.

We love Star Wars so much that we even named my 6 year old little brother after George Lucas and Luke Skywalker.

We love Star Wars. Unfortunately, little Lukie, despite his name, doesn’t. He’s only 6, and while he’s too young for us to expect him to watch Star Wars, we are devastated. Not because he hasn’t watched it yet, but because he doesn’t actually want to.

We’ve even suggested the Clone Wars cartoons, but the answer’s still no. He just tells us straight that he absolutely doesn’t want to watch Star Wars, though he hasn’t even seen it. We worry he’ll never get to watch his namesake, and the irony of the situation hurts us all deeply.

I’m not going to give up though. I’m determined to make him love Star Wars. One way or another, I will.

Today I came up with and started to implement what I hope is a fool-proof plan to get Lukie into Star Wars.

We’re gonna make a new obsession out of his current obsession. We’re going to get him into Star Wars through the PS2.

Now more than ever, Lukie’s been so addicted to the PS2. It sounds obsolete, but we all love our old PS2 – especially Lukie. He doesn’t care if it isn’t a PS3; he doesn’t even know the difference between the two. To him, a PS3 is simply just a “different PS2″.

Anyway, he’s been playing Spongebob and Cars games on that thing whenever he gets the chance to. He’s obsessed with video games. So I introduced him to a new one – Lego Star Wars. He played it for 5 minutes, and now he loves it. We turned the PS2 off half an hour ago, and he’s still talking about it. He’s actually been trying to make the characters and objects in the game out of Lego as soon as he let go of the controller.

He’ll get addicted to this game, and, hopefully, through Lego Star Wars, he will open his heart to actually watching the movie. Sooner or later, I will make him love Star Wars…in non-Lego form.

Sorry for being gone for so long (3 months, actually). I was just so busy that it was easier to just pretend Clar.me didn’t even exist.

Well, I’m back now though, hopefully for good!

There were two things I was looking forward to for the start of 2012 – the class retreat and outreach, and AJ Rafael’s concert. Both (along with report cards day, a.k.a. today) happened to be scheduled for this week, so you can imagine how much fun this week was for me.

The Retreat and Outreach.

Let’s skip Sunday and go straight to Monday – the class retreat.

I can’t really go into details about it, since I guess it’s supposed to be a surprise for the other classes, but I can say it was fun. I’m definitely much closer to my class. I know them better now.

The next day, after waking up and eating breakfast, my classmates and I went straight to the bus and to the outreach area.

My boyfriend and I were partners this year. We’re different in a lot of ways, but one of the first things you’ll notice upon meeting us is how friendly and outgoing he is, and how unfriendly and shy I am in comparison.

Because of this, most people we just meet tend to gravitate towards him, which I don’t really mind. I expected it to happen again with the kids we were assigned to in the outreach. For some reason though, they loved me. They were fighting over having me as their “mother”, constantly pulling me to things and places they wanted to show me, and a bunch of other things.

I was pleasantly surprised.

The Next Day

My classmates and I were exhausted after all that. It was so hot where we went, and we were all running around and playing with the kids the whole time too. A lot of us just fell asleep as soon as we got home. We all felt tired, and a few of us even felt a bit sick, so most of us ended up being absent on Wednesday – and by most, I mean 27 out of the 38 people in our class. I swear, we didn’t plan for this to happen.

Only 11 people were present that day. We must’ve set some kind of school record.

AJ Rafael

Later that day was the AJ Rafael concert. I went with my boyfriend and my mom. Since we didn’t go to school that day, we left the house early, and ended up getting there 3 hours before the show was supposed to start. We ate, we went around, I almost passed out in a bathroom (I’m not exactly sure why), and then we watched the concert.

AJ Rafael is one of those artists who sounds exactly the same live and in recording. He’s amazing.

Everyone there was singing along to all the songs, and I could tell he was shocked by that. There were times when he would just stop singing to listen to us, surprised that we all knew the words. People would shout song requests, and he’d wonder how we all even knew what those songs were. We made him cry from the happiness.

By the end of the show, most of the people in front just ran up to the stage; basically, the entire stage was full of screaming fans, trying to take pictures of themselves with AJ and the band; the band, trying to continue playing in spite of the others on stage, and the security, arriving only when the stage had already been filled.

I didn’t go on stage, but I still got to meet them! I got them to sign my CD, which I didn’t have to buy there since my friend had already gotten it for me for my birthday last year (thanks Carrie!).

We had school on Thursday, so nothing exciting happened, aside from our teachers snobbing us and joking around with us because of the lack of students in class the day before.

Today was report card distribution. You’d think that would destroy my good week streak, but it didn’t at all! I managed to get a high grade in Filipino (and Philosophy, which I never expect anything from), and got the highest general average I’ve gotten in a while.

I’m just in an amazing mood right now.

I’ll try to continue with the “Introducing Myself” posts (would you call it a series?) next Tuesday. Because of all that’s happened this week, I never really got around to finishing and posting the next one.