Clar.me

Boyfriends Are Not Trophies

I’m sure most of you girls have certain expectations for your ‘dream guy’. Whether consciously or not, it’s hard not to make those little checklists in your mind. I would know. I’m not going to lie to you in saying that I’ve never been guilty of the same thing. I was close-minded back then, telling myself to follow those guidelines the best I could because, back then, I thought that a man that wasn’t like that just wasn’t worth it.

It was a stupid, shallow way of thinking.

The man I imagined was a seemingly flawless man, all well-behaved and presentable all the time. Now, though, I don’t think things would work out for me and a guy like that. I don’t think we would have gotten along. I can imagine us butting heads a lot, and, even more importantly, now that I think about it, he’d a damn boring person too. What on Earth was 10-year old me thinking?

When we set expectations like this, it’s like we’re just looking for a boyfriend we can show off – someone we can use to make our friends jealous and make our parents proud. We don’t think about how much he would care about us or how well we’d get along. Before that, we’d think about grades, about height, about looks, about the instruments or sports he should know how to play. What’s up with that? Since when were relationships about bragging rights?

Right now I’m with a guy who is pretty much the complete opposite of the supposed ‘dream-guy’ I had created in my head, yet he couldn’t be more perfect to me. He’s a different kind of perfect – a less predictable, less boring kind of perfect. He’s loud and random and everything. He’s not the typical good-on-paper kind of guy, but I’m so proud to have him by my side. He’s also the sweetest, most caring person I know, and I love him more than anything in the world. That definitely beats the hell out of the less interesting, much duller man of my pre-teen self’s poorly thought out fantasies. Again, what was I thinking?

Hmm, I don’t really think it’s a stupid way of thinking. Naive yes, but not shallow. Girls go through this stage at some point in their lives. The main point is that they eventually grow up and realise life is not a fairytale, at least not for most of us. So don’t feel bad or sorry for your pre-teen self, it’s only natural. :)

I was like that too. I dreamt of a perfect man. A man with extraordinary characteristics and talents that WOW girls and parents alike. Truth be told, there’s no such guy. Even if there is one, I’m sure he’s meant for someone else. So I woke up and face the reality.

And like you, I’m now with a man who doesn’t fit in the ‘perfect’ category. Not even close. Though there are some qualities that never cease to marvel me. And the best thing is, we’re compatible and comfortable with each other. That alone is perfect enough. And I seriously am thankful for that.

Comment by Kitty • July 15, 2011 • 6:43 pm

I have certain exceptions I have. You could call them preferences. I prefer for my boyfriend to have similar religious views, and look decent, but I don’t really care about making anyone jealous. If I am happy with him, that is all the matters.

I made a “check list” a while back, a long time ago actually and most of the things are irrelevant. I was looking through it the other day and I mean, some of the things were stupid. Nonsense. Sure, I may love blue eyes, but it is not a requirement for him to have blue eyes. That is stupid.

I do agree that you should never lower your standards. If you are set on having a certain quality that is reasonable, you should not lower your standard. I won’t date a guy that doesn’t have similar religious views. That is a standard I have. If that makes sense at all.

Clarisse

There are definitely certain standards that do make sense to have because the relationship could be hard otherwise. It’s the superficial ones though that don’t really have any bearing on how the relationship’s going to turn out.

Comment by Ashley • July 15, 2011 • 11:12 pm

Lesson learned for me, I guess. But I’ve never been that “I wanna show my bf around”, I… don’t think highly enough of myself to believe that I would ever get that sort of a PERFECT guy. All I want is a nice guy..who can have his faults.. but, with who I can be myself, talk about things, experience things together..ah. That’s every guy, right? Wrong. Currently I think they’re all awful :(

Comment by Shiri • July 15, 2011 • 11:46 pm

Most girls have a dream boyfriend when they’re younger and that’s okay. It’s when they grow up and still have this ideal hammered into their head and when it affects their actual relationships – that it’s not such a good thing at all. I guess I had an idea of what my dream guy would be like. Admirable in every way, smart, good looking of course, and I guess James was someone I did not expect to be my boyfriend. It might have been a lucky thing that we were friends first.

I think girls are sort of pressured by society and by parents to have a ‘good’ boyfriend, but 1) parents’ and society’s ideals are not the same as an individual’s, and 2) girls shouldn’t let that get to them at all. What is more important is that you get along with your boyfriend and that he cares about you.

Comment by Georgina • July 16, 2011 • 3:57 am

Glad to hear you got the guy you want. :)
I try not to even think about the future guy in my life. When he comes I’ll base him on his own merit. But I do have some standards, for example, I won’t be his second mother.
I think it is good to have standards, including standards you won’t compromise on even if it means sacrificing an otherwise great relationship.
But usually people have a lot of other stuff in the way such as pride and being super-judgmental which aren’t standards they are just excuses.

Comment by Cami • July 16, 2011 • 7:02 am

I think everyone has a little checklist, lol. I think you should at least have standards, though. Like there’s no way I could be with someone who didn’t have a sense of humor. I can’t even hang out with girls that are like that, let alone a boyfriend. I’m eighteen and still haven’t had a boyfriend, but I’m sure once I get into college I’ll find a guy that seems right for me. I don’t think you can really plan these sort of things out…

Comment by Trisha • July 16, 2011 • 8:11 am

I’ve never got myself into any relationships with a man, so I don’t know the feeling. Yes, I still have that checklist with me though, but maybe when that time comes that I get to see someone I really love, then that checklist ain’t gonna be important at all. Thanks for sharing your thoughts about this! :D

Comment by Sandra • July 16, 2011 • 8:39 am

I’m glad for you, that you got the person you wanted.

I suppose when people are young, we have a lot of fantasies. I do have that checklist with me every day, but it only consists of two things: Looks (just average), and personality. Personalities affect me a lot. If you don’t have a good personality, we’re not going to have a good partnership, friendship or relationship.

Oh, and trust too. If the person is a big flirt and no matter how handsome or nice he is, I’ll never like him. I’m a Pisces. I’m sensitive and loyal, so I don’t like flirts and people who ignore their partner’s feelings. :(

To be very honest, short stories can actually be edited into cute stories which can be published. Try them in your free time. :)

Comment by Dorine • July 16, 2011 • 1:09 pm

I have a love of my life. He isn’t what I planned to adore … But I adore him. He is though what I love appearance wise. And he hasn’t left my side since my cousin passed even though he lives 3 hours away … And no, we are not together. I explained it in my post I wrote.

I also want to thank you for your condolences, it means a lot to me xx

Comment by Sage • July 16, 2011 • 1:23 pm

I know exactly what you mean in this entry. I used to (and still have, I admit) have a image of the perfect guy in my head. Now that I really think about it, that perfect guy I used mostly for bragging rights, because well, he was perfect. And like what you wrote, since when were relationships like bragging rights?

I think it is normal, especially when you are younger, to dream about your perfect guy. It’s just when you let it get out of hand and spend your life trying to find a guy based on some unreasonable image you have in your head, then it’s trouble.

Comment by Hanisah • July 16, 2011 • 4:00 pm

Ahahaha, this post is totally true. I couldnt agree more, I hate to admit it but even now I still have that dream-guy I always think of. I’m still young so you can’t blame me, I always think he has to have the same eyes as this male celebrity lol But obviously, my dream guy doesnt exisit and I should just face the facts but it’s so hard not to daydream ~~ HAHA.

Comment by Pauline • July 16, 2011 • 5:09 pm

I think the whole “dream guy” thing is stage that all teenage girls go through at some point but they see sense soon enough. It’s why I think Twilight is only popular to girls about thirteen years old, and why I loved it myself at that age. I think it’s stupid now too. I think it’s almost like we’re told Prince Charming is the perfect man, but we haven’t discovered enough about ourselves to realise he’s far from perfect for ourselves.

I’ve had one relationship in the past and it was with a guy who, at the time, was just right for me. He didn’t live up to any of these expectations yet I loved him, he was exactly what I needed. And now I normally find myself attracted to people similar. I think it has its advantages because if you like a person because they’re suited to you, there’s a better chance you’re suited to them too. :D If you’ve found a guy who’s perfect for you then you’re pretty damn lucky. Unlike those younger girls who are yet to make the realisation.

Comment by Aileen • July 16, 2011 • 11:27 pm

It’s nice that you had finally realized it yourself. The same thing had been said so many times by various numerous people but us, girls, can’t just get a grip of the said psychological fact. Maybe, we need to experience it on our own, see it for ourselves. I haven’t gotten to that point yet. Though Im not sure if I am experiencing it too or maybe I am still in a huge denial that’ why I can’t like a guy who like me or the reason why I am shoo-ing them away, because they’re not too ‘ideal’. I hope I can get that realization soon.

Comment by Danielle C. • July 16, 2011 • 11:41 pm

I’ve never been much of a romantic. I’ve never dreamed of getting my hands on the stereotypical “dream guy” and having the kind of romance they show on TV. I’m very much a realist, and can’t imagine taking that kind of guy seriously. Besides, I have weird taste anyway. I like beards and chub and pronounced noses. I want a guy who I could play video games and won’t treat me like some fragile flower because I’m a woman. I suppose that does mean that I have a dream guy, and the guy I end up with may be the opposite of that, but at least it’s more likely I’ll end up with my dream guy than Prince Charming.

Comment by Gabi • July 17, 2011 • 12:08 pm

I’m never thought too much about romance. Sure, I’ll enjoy a romantic book or movie now and then, but I never really thought about having a boyfriend.
I never made up my “dream guy.” I figure that as long as he’s funny and spontaneous, I don’t need any guidelines to help me choose. I’ve never been in a romantic relationship, and I don’t actually want to be in one right now. I haven’t had an infatuation in years, and my crushes were always really light and short. I’ve never even though about being in a relationship with one of my guy friends.

Comment by Nugget • July 18, 2011 • 12:03 am

Wow, that legit sounds exactlyyy like how I used to be aswell. I knew what I wanted: Tall, redhead, farmer, drives a big Dodge truck… They were all stupid material things. And you know what- I FOUND that guy. His name was Ben. He lived about an hour away from me, and we dated for approximately a month. He broke up with me, told me he’d cheated on me numerous times and that he’s not the ‘boyfriend’ type. Fuck, I knew that before we even started dating. The issue was that I was too blinded by his beauty/truck/occupation to see that he was useless for me, couldn’t give me any social skills at all. And now- now I’ve found Chris, the perfect boyfriend. Smart, can carry a conversation. Obviously he’s still good looking, I think he’s great for me, and he’s tall, but I gave up on worrying what kind of vehicle he drives, and what colour his hair is, because it’s not worth it. You’ll meet assholes that don’t really care about you that way. I couldn’t be happier now, with my Romeo. :)

Comment by Mandie • July 18, 2011 • 10:51 pm

Well, All I can say is that your boyfriend is lucky to have you. It all depends upon a persons expectations and the attitude for each other.

Comment by Jerminix • July 19, 2011 • 10:48 pm

I guess you can say that things change and even our perspectives / opinions on things change, too, as we grow older. I can see how lucky your boyfriend is to have you because it’s quite obvious that you’re really proud and grateful to have him in your life. I used to dream about having a guy who’s like this and like that but I ended up with guys who are the complete opposite as well. Maybe you can say that it also depends on the situation or depends on how you feel about someone? That’s all there is to it :)

Comment by Gel • July 20, 2011 • 11:59 pm

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